… all the time! All the time, He is good! I just finished my morning prayer (the usual prayer for our families, hedges of protection, staying true to marital vows, The Mr. to step up as a spiritual leader), but this morning included begging forgiveness for resentment and bitterness I held against him, since it seems to have reared its ugly head again. Then, I open the YouVersion app and the devotional content of today's reading plan is:
"Laying a Foundation: May I Have This Dance?
When you’re on a dance floor and it's a “modern” dance, people don’t have to pay the slightest bit of attention to what their partners are doing. You do your thing; they do their thing. You don’t have to coordinate anything. You can just bust your moves. The floor is full of people basically dancing by themselves in the general vicinity of a “partner”.
Being happily married, however, is more like a waltz or a tango. You have to hold each other carefully, move in sync with each other, pay attention to your partner, and mind your feet. In both marriage and ballroom dancing, someone has to lead and someone has to be willing to be led. You have to communicate so that you can move gracefully together.
Do you think that the cosmic designer and engineer of gender, sexuality, and marriage might know how this dance works best? “Husbands, . . . be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect” (1 Peter 3:7).
This means that men need to step up and accept responsibility for leadership, leading like Jesus. He led like a servant, willing to give up his life for the people he loved. This means that women need to surrender some of their independence and cheerfully place themselves under the leadership of their husbands, whom God expects to represent Jesus in the home.
Do you trust the divine dance instructor enough to let him teach you his moves?"
… I just watched Snooki give birth (and I NEVER watch this, but I'm always down for a good birth story), and I am angry! I'm angry at my husband for not meeting my expectant father expectations, angry at myself for not taking it easy and respecting bed rest, angry for having a C-section, because all these doctors said I had to, and again, angry at my husband for not being my advocate and speaking up for me when my low self-esteem and drugged condition wouldn't allow me to speak for myself, and getting our baby to us (me) if not for the first hour, at least sometime in the first 24 hours!
I know it's not his fault: I obviously didn't stress to him the importance of these things and, as I learned a couple weeks ago, "Expectations should be clearly laid out, so there is no guilt or resentment." It sounds like we're overdue for a talk, but that's a whole other issue.
I am just SO ANGRY, because I experienced everything I never wanted, and am subsequently ashamed of the circumstances surrounding my daughter's birth. We were robbed of that vital bonding time, and no matter how hard I try to make up for it, I can never get that back. THIS is why I don't hang out with other moms or have major anxiety when meeting new moms. Inevitably the birth stories come out, and I really have a hard time with it.
I remember watching "The Business of Being Born" and hearing C-section moms saying the felt like they'd been raped. I thought they were just being dramatic and helping to prove Ricki's agenda. Now, I completely understand. I feel so ashamed…
To make matters worse, I took DD to the pedi today and learned she's either failing to thrive or we're not feeding her enough. Based on the feeding guidelines I received, it's the latter. We'll see how the next couple of weeks go. If no improvement, then they will do a "failure to thrive panel" to find out what's going on.
DD was sent home from school Friday for vomiting. When I was picking her up, another parent came to pick his daughter up. Their teacher said there was something going around, and their sister facility had to send several kids home the day before.
Saturday morning, I saw a blurb on the news about a Norovirus going around. I mentally tucked it away for later research. That afternoon, DD had a temperature of 100.4°, so we stripped her down to her diaper and put her down for bed. She went willingly. The Mr. checked her hours later, and she was down to 98.4°.
Sunday, we went to the zoo, and about an hour or so into our trip, I got a terrible headache, and my stomach started flip flopping. An hour or so later, I thought I was going to pass out. I toughed it out 'til we got home, and then the nightmare began. I'll spare you the icky details, but it was no fun. I woke up a little before 11 last night, and my stomach felt better, but my skin hurt! The Mr. brought me crushed ice, and that stayed down, so I knew my tummy troubles were over.
My skin continued to hurt until about 2 this afternoon. I stayed home from work and kept DD home from school, because I hurt too much to take her. It's a good thing too: she ended up having a blowout, and I probably would have had to go get her.
In my misery, I Googled Norovirus and self-diagnosed us.
I feel much better now, and I finally felt brave enough to eat tonight. I will be staying home from work tomorrow just in case…
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for today. Thank you for my life and my husband’s life. I pray over our marriage right now and ask that you would protect us from the attacks of the enemy. He has been trying to tear us down, distract us, frustrate us, and tempt us to sin against each other. I pray that we would be able to resist the enemy and flee temptation with the strength that you give us. May you empower us to overcome struggles, with the hope of better days. I pray that we would never stop fleeing from temptation. However in moments of weakness please help us to give each other forgiveness. Help us to support one another and keep each other accountable on a daily basis. I pray that if there is any sin in me that you would make me aware so that I may repent and never turn back to it. I also pray that if my husband has sin that he also would repent of it. Transform our hearts and purify us O Lord!
We desire to have a holy marriage in Jesus name,
I miss my husband. While he's physically here, emotionally, he's been gone for a long, long time. I suspect I know why he's gone, but he's not the most open person, and he's certainly not the easiest to talk to.
A couple days ago, he gave DD a dozen kisses, then walked out of the room, without giving me so much as a nod. He came back several minutes later and kissed me goodbye, but the damage had already been done. I woke up the next morning to find him asleep on the couch.
I know he's capable of communicating, as that is a large part if his job. I guess I'm just not wasting his efforts on. I really feel like breaking his phones, computers, iPad and televisions. Maybe then he'll talk to me. Then again, he'd probably bury himself in a book…
… playtime! I came home last night and found The Mr. helping DD grasp the concept of forward motion. He was so enthusiastic and encouraging… he even allowed her breaks when she needed them.
She also got to spend more time with her Pug brother. Seeing them interact was the best feeling! It's what I'd always envisioned since the day we brought her home. I know he was happy to have the attention too. I was so proud of The Mr. for allowing them to play (despite his watchful eye and redirection). I fell in love with him all over again!
… is 7 months old today!!! I can't believe how quickly time has flown by! People have been telling me it would, but whoa! I remember when she was 7 weeks old, heck, 7 days even!
She can roll over, reach out and grab things, sit up (with assistance), and vocalize just enough to turn on her voice activated projector. I'm loving watching her grow, and she is such a happy girl! People have always said "you never know how much you can love someone until you have a child." They "ain't never lied!" <3<3<3<3<3<3<3
… avocado! Tonight, she started with the last bit of sweet potatoes in the jar, but wanted more, so I distracted her with the pacifier while I deliberated between opening another jar or thawing out some avocado. I wanted avocado to be her first solid (I'd also planned on never feeding her jarred food, but, The Mr. decided for me), so I jumped at the chance to do something I wanted to do!
I warmed a bit of breastmilk from the fridge, stirred it in while I mashed the avocado, and prayed she would like it. It was a hit!
Kay Dub is a 38 year old stay at home mother of 3 fur babies, a preschooler and a toddler. An avid runner, marathon mom, fitness buff and triathlete in training, her most challenging goal is becoming a Proverbs 31 woman and "Wife After God".