… I just watched Snooki give birth (and I NEVER watch this, but I'm always down for a good birth story), and I am angry! I'm angry at my husband for not meeting my expectant father expectations, angry at myself for not taking it easy and respecting bed rest, angry for having a C-section, because all these doctors said I had to, and again, angry at my husband for not being my advocate and speaking up for me when my low self-esteem and drugged condition wouldn't allow me to speak for myself, and getting our baby to us (me) if not for the first hour, at least sometime in the first 24 hours!
I know it's not his fault: I obviously didn't stress to him the importance of these things and, as I learned a couple weeks ago, "Expectations should be clearly laid out, so there is no guilt or resentment." It sounds like we're overdue for a talk, but that's a whole other issue.
I am just SO ANGRY, because I experienced everything I never wanted, and am subsequently ashamed of the circumstances surrounding my daughter's birth. We were robbed of that vital bonding time, and no matter how hard I try to make up for it, I can never get that back. THIS is why I don't hang out with other moms or have major anxiety when meeting new moms. Inevitably the birth stories come out, and I really have a hard time with it.
I remember watching "The Business of Being Born" and hearing C-section moms saying the felt like they'd been raped. I thought they were just being dramatic and helping to prove Ricki's agenda. Now, I completely understand. I feel so ashamed…
To make matters worse, I took DD to the pedi today and learned she's either failing to thrive or we're not feeding her enough. Based on the feeding guidelines I received, it's the latter. We'll see how the next couple of weeks go. If no improvement, then they will do a "failure to thrive panel" to find out what's going on.
Kay Dub is a 38 year old stay at home mother of 3 fur babies, a preschooler and a toddler. An avid runner, marathon mom, fitness buff and triathlete in training, her most challenging goal is becoming a Proverbs 31 woman and "Wife After God".