. . . Since my mother died, and there still is so much that needs to be done. The most pressing issue right now is the emptying, cleaning and selling of her house. The mortgage will be due very soon, and it's something neither my newlywed sister nor I am able to afford. On our end, we have spent a lot of money this year traveling during my parents' illnesses and subsequent deaths. On top of that, my dog has had a couple medical emergencies in the past 5 weeks which required extensive diagnostics, hospitalization and now we may be looking at surgery. We've spent more on him in this short time than we normally would in a year, and he still has not had his annual vaccinations yet.
My original plan was to come home for a week or two before returning to address the house and other loose ends that needed to be tied up, yet here I am weeks after that trying to figure out when I can make it back down. The main issue is rearranging The Mr.'s work schedule around our daughter's school schedule. It seems like it'd be simple, but, honestly I don't feel comfortable asking him. I always feel like I'm inconveniencing him, and I don't like to bother him, because he is not the most approachable person. I'm sure he'd think I'm nuts if he read this, but he just isn't. He seems to always have his nose in his phone or computer, and there have even been nights when he's had headphones on instead of interacting with the family. It used to bother me years ago, but he remedied that issue by buying my own gadgets so I could be equally as preoccupied. Now, it's especially upsetting, because we have kids, and 1) I don't want them to miss out on quality time with him, because the time between his arrival, dinner and bedtime is so short, and 2) I also don't want them to think that is how families normally interact. But, I digress.
There have been a couple times when he has complained -- I'm not sure if he was joking or not -- about not having free time anymore, and I have told him that I would gladly trade his inconvenience for my dead parents. This has been a very difficult year, and I have spent a lot of time away from home, but my parents died. I could understand if I was asking him to help out more, because I was going on a Hawaiian vacation or something equally as extravagant; however, I am leaving, because my mother died and I need to sell my childhood home. I know our relationships with our families are different, but I'd like to think it would be easy to recognize the gravity of this situation. I often think that, although my parents are gone, he is not. I don't want to ask too much of him, because, after all is said and done, we still have to spend the rest of our lives together. I would hate for him to become angry or resentful.
Perhaps he doesn't realize how much I am struggling. I may not be curled up in the fetal position, but "I'm pretty [explitive] far from okay." I haven't had any time to process everything that has happened in the past few months, because I never get any time to myself. In a perfect world, I would be able to "tag out" once he got home from work, but I try to run interference and give him at least 15 minutes of peace before I turn the kids loose on him. Even then, he's not "present," and I often find myself back "in." My sister says I should just tell him that I need time and just take it, but I think she's too pushy. I try to be considerate of others' feelings, and think of how I would want to be treated. Then again, she's getting what she needs while I'm suffering in silence and becoming angry and resentful . . .
… originally posted on Facebook 09/22/2016:
Happy Birthday to my beautiful mother. You are the strongest, most courageous woman I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I am so proud to be your daughter and am forever grateful for all you have done for our family. As devastated as I may feel right now, I find slight comfort in knowing that you left us on the International Day of Peace.
Love you madly…
p.s. Thank you for the butterflies 💜
Kay Dub is a 38 year old stay at home mother of 3 fur babies, a preschooler and a toddler. An avid runner, marathon mom, fitness buff and triathlete in training, her most challenging goal is becoming a Proverbs 31 woman and "Wife After God".