… "Hmm…" The Mr. posted this picture yesterday. Ironically, I'd been mentally having a similar conversation with myself about this about 30 minutes before he posted this. What makes this even more interesting is he hasn't spoken to me since Monday, yet, we're still on the same wavelength, well, aside from the whole not speaking thing.
I've been a SAHM for almost a year now and have long used up my part of what I like to call the unspoken "Yours/Mine/Ours" financial arrangement. On top of that, The Mr. just paid off a 13 year debt of mine, which (ironically) happens to be how long we've been "together," so I feel even worse. Subsequently, I have been cutting down on my running expenses, including supplements, training, and :gasp: races, not because he asked me to, but because I feel guilty, NO, unworthy.
The conversation I was having with myself was about a lot of things, but more pressingly, as the date is not registering for NeverQuit6 for the first time since NeverQuit2. I really don't want to miss this race, but I don't know if I can justify the expense to The Mr. I've heard that it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission, but that conflicts with my character. Besides, I would not like it if he did that to me.
I've considered finding things I could do from home to generate funds to support my running habit, but I haven't seriously addressed it, because there are so many things around the house that need to be done. "You see, what had happened was..." I've been in between a few projects for almost a year now (coincidence? I think not), and I'm starting to feel like Brian from "Family Guy" with his novel. But, I digress.
So, here I sit, typing away, while he sleeps. What would you do?
… and greetings cards. The Bible says, "The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit," (Proverbs 15:4 NIV), however, I have often experienced the pain of being ignored. It feels worse than physical abuse! Physical wounds can heal. How does one recover from someone you love going out of their way to shut you out (be it wearing headphones, "hiding" behind closed doors, not speaking -- or speaking only when necessary-- to you, leaving early or more frequently, and blatantly ignoring requests for even a hug goodbye…)?! That effort far overshadows any positive attributes of said person and magnifies the quality of their "love." Love doesn't shut you out, because it doesn't like what you said/did/didn't do!
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV)
I suppose I may also be guilty of this. Perhaps, I should file this away in the "Forgive & Forget" portion of my mind, pray for continued softening of his heart and for my heart/our marriage to heal. It just saddens me how much time has been lost and how seemingly empty my love tank is. I feel like I'm running on fumes, but,"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:12, 13 NIV)
As usual, I am having a hard time keeping up with this. It'd be nice to have some record of this pregnancy, but, alas, I can't even do that right. I started feeling definite movement a couple weeks ago. It's more pronounced when I wear my Gabrialla band. Speaking of which, I've found it to be quite helpful in reducing lower back pain!
We ran the Donna 1/2 without incident. It took longer than I'd like, but I was getting psyched out since I was running the latter half by myself. It didn't help that my right hip was bothering me from running on the uneven JTB surface. It was freezing, so I didn't really have to worry about overheating, but I could definitely feel the difference with this extra 20 lbs.
We had our anatomy scan yesterday (19w 3d). I was super anxious since I hadn't seen our little one in almost a month, and because I had some abnormal results from my 2nd Sequential. For the most part, the ultrasound ruled out the blood work concerns. Unfortunately, there is something amiss with the LO's brain. They also noticed excess amniotic fluid which could mean a number of things. At this point, they're taking the "wait and see" approach. We have to go back next month to see if anything has changed. Prayerfully, it will not progress.
I have been very depressed lately, and this news really does not help. I feel so alone in this pregnancy. It even seems as though the baby is not moving as much since yesterday. Even though things with The Mr. are amicable, he is still emotionally unavailable. I tearfully mentioned this to him last week, but nothing has changed. I'm just so sad.
We're supposed to run the Gate River Run together next Saturday, but I have been too bummed to workout. I will try to get back on track next week, but, I fear it's too little, too late. I don't have any races scheduled after this one, so I wanted to do it big and finish strong. He has really killed my joy, and that saddens me. He used to be my biggest supporter; now, he's just there. I'm sure he's unhappy too, and his unhappiness probably stems from my unhappiness. I know he is a major source of mine . . .
Kay Dub is a 38 year old stay at home mother of 3 fur babies, a preschooler and a toddler. An avid runner, marathon mom, fitness buff and triathlete in training, her most challenging goal is becoming a Proverbs 31 woman and "Wife After God".