… "Hmm…" The Mr. posted this picture yesterday. Ironically, I'd been mentally having a similar conversation with myself about this about 30 minutes before he posted this. What makes this even more interesting is he hasn't spoken to me since Monday, yet, we're still on the same wavelength, well, aside from the whole not speaking thing. I've been a SAHM for almost a year now and have long used up my part of what I like to call the unspoken "Yours/Mine/Ours" financial arrangement. On top of that, The Mr. just paid off a 13 year debt of mine, which (ironically) happens to be how long we've been "together," so I feel even worse. Subsequently, I have been cutting down on my running expenses, including supplements, training, and :gasp: races, not because he asked me to, but because I feel guilty, NO, unworthy. The conversation I was having with myself was about a lot of things, but more pressingly, as the date is not registering for NeverQuit6 for the first time since NeverQuit2. I really don't want to miss this race, but I don't know if I can justify the expense to The Mr. I've heard that it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission, but that conflicts with my character. Besides, I would not like it if he did that to me. I've considered finding things I could do from home to generate funds to support my running habit, but I haven't seriously addressed it, because there are so many things around the house that need to be done. "You see, what had happened was..." I've been in between a few projects for almost a year now (coincidence? I think not), and I'm starting to feel like Brian from "Family Guy" with his novel. But, I digress.
So, here I sit, typing away, while he sleeps. What would you do?
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… and greetings cards. The Bible says, "The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit," (Proverbs 15:4 NIV), however, I have often experienced the pain of being ignored. It feels worse than physical abuse! Physical wounds can heal. How does one recover from someone you love going out of their way to shut you out (be it wearing headphones, "hiding" behind closed doors, not speaking -- or speaking only when necessary-- to you, leaving early or more frequently, and blatantly ignoring requests for even a hug goodbye…)?! That effort far overshadows any positive attributes of said person and magnifies the quality of their "love." Love doesn't shut you out, because it doesn't like what you said/did/didn't do!
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV) I suppose I may also be guilty of this. Perhaps, I should file this away in the "Forgive & Forget" portion of my mind, pray for continued softening of his heart and for my heart/our marriage to heal. It just saddens me how much time has been lost and how seemingly empty my love tank is. I feel like I'm running on fumes, but,"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:12, 13 NIV) … oh my! As if Tuesday's "back door" waiver release wasn't enough to get my obsessive juices flowing -- that's an odd way of putting it, huh? -- today, the runDisney site was updated with Princess Half Marathon and Glass Slipper Challenge corral assignments and half marathon, 10K and 5K course maps! It looks like the corrals go from A to P, and I will be in J. This should allow me enough time for a bathroom break and, hopefully, a couple pictures!
2014 is looking to be a busy year, at least that's how these first few months appear!
Since becoming a SAHM, I've been on a mission to do what makes me happy. It may sound selfish, but the way I see it is, if I'm not happy, then how can I spend positive quality time with DD?
… Happy Life, or so "they" say. Well, The Mr. must be in misery, because I am anything but. Somewhere along the line I must have given him the impression that wandering off for hours on weekends (or coming home late on a workday) without saying where he's going or what he'll be doing and coming home without revealing that information, despite having been asked, was acceptable. I know I've explained to him how I wasn't trying to keep tabs on him, however, I felt it was disrespectful and showed little regard for me. I'm not your mother making you check-in; I'm your wife struggling to balance taking care of our daughter and taking care of you. It would be nice to know if you're not going to be home in a timely fashion, so I won't sit here waiting on my partner to tag in, so I can shift my focus on to other things. It'd be nice to not sit here starving while dinner is getting cold, because I'm waiting on someone who won't be home until hours after it's healthy to eat. I'm not even asking for a phone call. A simple text (sans sarcasm) will do.
I try to let it go and not harp on the situation, but I'm obviously not making myself clear, because it keeps happening. I'm tired of trying to be happy when I have so much going on and seemingly no support. I thank God for my relationship with Him, but I struggle in my walk daily, and a lot stems from my marriage. That speaks volumes. But, I'm too tired to go into that now… On a lighter note, God has blessed me yet again (He is SO good)! I am cancer free! On an even better note, I am finally bonding with DD. IDK if it was PPD or what, but I think I'm better now, at least as far as she's concerned. She's still working on walking, but I'm beginning to wonder whether a chiropractic adjustment may help. Perhaps she can have that done while we're in MIA. I guess I should run it by The Mr. to see whether he has any objections. This is where we differ (I actually consult him before taking actions that may affect him). But, I digress. I <3 DD! …double digits now! DD is 10 months and 6 days old. Where has the time gone?! She's so happy, sassy and smart! I try not to encourage her sass, but sometimes it's really hard to keep a straight face.
The assignment of guardianship in case if death is not a decision to make hastily, and the fact we've gone this long without discussing it did not sit well with me. Everyday you hear about people dying, and heaven forbid… I shudder to think about what could happen if we don't make a decision and make it legal.
I don't have many, if any, friends, but DH does. One couple in particular came to mind, but when I asked him, he suggested my MIL. I can understand his reasoning (he trusts her, she's healthy enough, and she would love to have her), but I also cannot forget the things he's said about her (and experiences I've had with her) over the years either. My heart breaks at the idea of her having to live without her parents, but it breaks even further when I think about her having to go through things DH experienced. Furthermore, I wouldn't want her to live without a positive father figure which is specifically why I was hoping for a couple… I am praying for God's guidance and wisdom in making this decision and also for a hedge of protection for our family. On an equally depressing note, there is further proof of how crappy a mother I am. I came home from work today to find DH working on DD's Baby Book. I was planning on getting to it, but as usual, I failed. Now he will be documenting all her milestones. Sometimes I wonder why God keeps me around. I'm utterly useless around here… … and counting! She started saying, "DaDa" March 5th, discovered the mysterious shower water, mastered "creeping", and can keep her balance standing while holding on to something, all in a matter of weeks! I can't believe how much time has flown by… it almost makes me sad, but I'm loving every milestone she hits and watching her grow.
All this time I thought he was such a blessing (not that he isn't, but his intentions were not what I thought) for picking up the slack while I'm trying to adjust to my new life, but the truth always comes out… I don't know if that was how he was raised, or if life made him who he is, but I refuse to subject my (our) daughter to such antiquated gender roles/expectations, joking (he's alluded to such things far too often for me to believe that is the case) or not.
I pray my (our) daughter is never made to feel as badly as he makes me feel at times, especially by someone who promised to love her forever. I keep trying to forget how my feelings/beliefs are disregarded (cohabitation, my "children", churchgoing/day of rest, laundry, blessings…) and, it is my fault for allowing it to happen, but it ends now! And, these silent treatments need to stop! They're childish, infuriating and simply not productive. |
AuthorKay Dub is a 40 year old stay at home mother of 1 fur baby, a First Grader and a Preschooler. An avid runner, marathon mom, fitness buff, sprint triathlete, and Noxgear Ambassador, her most challenging goal is becoming a Proverbs 31 Woman and "Wife After God". Archives
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