. . . by a rush of sadness, I climbed out of bed and cried myself straight to the computer. I love my husband, I really do. I've been so tired lately, and he has really taken care of laundry (his, but that's another story), shopping, dinner, dishes, litterboxes and numerous other things. He got me a Garmin watch (something I've wanted since I've started running) for Christmas and tags along on all my early morning races. He really is a great supporter . . . just not so much in the emotional department.
He's at the computer when I leave, when I get home and pretty much all night, until dinner (IF I make it, which hasn't been too often lately). We watch dinner in front of the TV, leaving no opportunity for conversation, and the TV is the first thing that comes on in our bedroom at night. Often times, our iPhones or iPads are out/in-use during all this. It's a wonder we were even able to conceive the LO with all these distractions!
We literally had our first conversation (besides the "I'm pregnant!" card 11/16) about the baby and plans Thursday (12/29) over lunch! I've been wanting to discuss different things everyday, but he's seemingly unapproachable. Perhaps it's my timing . . .
Anyway, I was lying awake after another potty break (thanks LO) and was overcome by this feeling of longing. I miss my husband. Yes, he's right there next to me, but he's not really there. He's wrapped up in his computers, television, and soon to be school. Then, I felt more sadness about how I couldn't afford to go to school. The two semesters I did, financially rocked my boat, and left him having to pick up the slack, and, as he said Thursday, "took money away from other things."
I'm unhappy with my life, so I try going to school to change it, and it upsets our financial marriage. My car is falling apart, and we're unable to replace it. YET, we can afford a baby, and he can afford to pay the difference between what the military will cover and the cost of his education. I understand he worked hard for everything he has; I work hard too, and have nothing to show for it, and it's not because of poor financial planning. But, I digress . . .
I feel stuck in the same ol' rut again, and now, I have an extra passenger (more of a blessing). Dear Lord, please bring change to our marriage in 2012. Less TV and more "US", less iPhones/iPads and more miGod. Help our child to see there is more to life (and our marriage) than gadgets and distractions to keep the other one busy, so we can do whatever we want. Help me find my voice and open the lines of communication, so I don't live life "missing" my husband and wishing I could talk to him, when he's right down the hall . . .
Kay Dub is a 40 year old stay at home mother of 1 fur baby, a First Grader and a Preschooler. An avid runner, marathon mom, fitness buff, sprint triathlete, and Noxgear Ambassador, her most challenging goal is becoming a Proverbs 31 Woman and "Wife After God".